Guides Gone Wild

The Toughest Terrain Might be in Your Mind: Rebecca Sperry, Socked In (encore)

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I’ve got a special encore for you this week. Back in June of 2021, I talked to Rebecca Sperry, aka SockedInHikes on Instagram, as a result of the powerful story she was sharing on social media at the time about her cancer diagnosis, treatment, and desire to continue to hike (mostly solo) despite, and kind of because of, the mental and physical challenges she was facing as she fought for her life. Literally.

Pulling that two-parter back together into a single episode gave me a very justifiable reason to spend time reading through all of Rebecca’s blog posts from the past many months of her tracing.

For those who don’t know, a White Mountain Trace is an attempt to walk every mile of every trail in the White Mountain trail guide. A daunting lifetime goal, for sure, because with all the backtracking and spur trails, a Trace amounts to over 2000 miles of hiking.

And Rebecca is currently trying to complete the trace in just 15 months, which would make her the fastest female on record ever to do so.

It has been NUTS to follow her progress, even if you didn’t know that this is Rebecca’s third attempt at this fastest known time, because the first two attempts were stymied by COVID, and then a life threatening battle with breast cancer. Let that sink in for a minute.

Her amazing blog, Rebecca Sperry.com, has a meticulously documented recounting of her White Mountain Trace efforts. It’s hugely inspiring, but also often very raw, and so truthful, and a remarkable window into the soul of someone who spends many, many hours alone with themselves in nature.

Despite the powerfully difficult circumstances of Rebecca’s last few years, she has continued to persevere, putting one foot in front of the other (and a bazillion miles on her car), and sharing a peek into her internal landscape that wanders from inspirational to devastating to relatable, probably an unintended metaphor for some of the trails she’s been bushwhacking through over the past year.

Rebecca is just a few weeks away from either finishing and achieving her goal, or not. But regardless of the outcome, her words, whether here or in writing, will completely rock your soul. This conversation is from June, 2021, but I think it’s an even more powerful listen today, knowing all that Rebecca has undertaken and achieved since then. I know it’s a long one, but I promise, take a nice long walk or two and listen end to end, you won’t regret it.

When she writes a book about this experience - and she better freaking turn this into a book! - I’ll be first in the pre-order line, I can tell you that much. And I’m hoping to have Rebecca back on the pod very soon to talk about some of her last 15 months - but only if she wants to, because one thing is very clear by now, she is writing her own damn story, and none of us have any right to it unless she decides to share it.

Some links to share:

And SO MANY more here!:
https://www.guidesgonewild.com/podcast/rebecca-sperry-socked-in-hikes-you-are-capable-of-more

Jen:

Welcome to Guides Gone Wild. This is Jen, and I've got a special encore for you this week. Back in June of 2021, I talked to Rebecca Sperry, aka Sockton Hikes, on Instagram as a result of the powerful story she was sharing on social media at the time about her cancer diagnosis, treatment and desire to continue to hike, mostly solo, despite, and kind of because of the mental and physical challenges she was facing as she fought for her life. Literally Pulling the two-parter back together into a single episode for you has given me a very justifiable reason to spend time reading through all Rebecca's blog posts on rebeccaSperrycom from the past many months of her tracing. For those who don't know, a white mountain trace is an attempt to walk every mile of every trail in the White Mountain Trail Guide. A daunting, lifetime goal, for sure, because, with all the backtracking and spur trails, a trace amounts to over 2,000 miles of hiking, and Rebecca is currently trying to complete the trace in just 15 months, which would make her the fastest female on record ever to do so. It has been nuts to follow her progress, even if you didn't know that this is Rebecca's third attempt at this fastest known time, because the first two attempts were stymied, first by COVID and then a life-threatening battle with breast cancer. Let that sink in for a minute. So back to her amazing blog, rebeccasperrycom, which has a meticulously documented recounting of her white mountain trace efforts.

Jen:

My original intention was to highlight some of the great content to kick off this Encore episode, but after like 15 minutes of reading and five pages of pull quotes I kid you not I realized I should just shut the f up and tell you that you have to go to RebeccaSperrycom and read it yourself. It's so inspiring, but also often very raw and so truthful and a remarkable window into the soul of someone who spends many, many hours with themselves in nature. I hope that most of you will have lots you can't relate to, honestly, when you read these posts, namely the unthinkable mental and physical impacts of getting a serious cancer diagnosis and spending months fighting to maintain your very existence. But despite the powerfully difficult circumstances of Rebecca's last few years, she has continued to persevere, putting one foot in front of the other and a bazillion miles on her car and sharing a peek into her internal landscape that wanders from inspirational to devastating, to relatable, probably an unintended metaphor for some of the trails she's been bushwhacking through over the past year. Rebecca is just a few weeks away from either finishing and achieving her goal or not, but regardless of the outcome, her words, whether here or in writing, will completely rock your soul.

Jen:

The conversation you're about to hear is from June 2021, but I think it's an even more powerful listen today, knowing all that Rebecca has undertaken and achieved since then. I know it's a long one, but I promise, take a nice long walk or two and listen to the end. You will not regret it. When she writes a book about this experience and she better freaking turn this into a book. I will be the first in the pre-order line, I can tell you that much, and I'm hoping to have Rebecca back on the pod very soon to talk about some of her last 15 months, but only if she wants to, because one thing is very clear by now she is writing her own damn story and none of us have any right to it, unless she decides to share it.

Jen:

Okay, so now I'm finally going to heed my own advice Shut the F up. But first I need to tease you with one of the many wisdom bombs that's actually kind of funny from Rebecca's blog Tears don't make the elevation less, nor do they make the hike any easier, they just make you more dehydrated. So, quick sidebar Rebecca Perry, it's Perry. Rebecca Perry sucked in. Welcome to Guides Gone Wilds. Rebecca and I were just talking offline about other stuff and I'm like why I'm not recording this because, like it's just, she's just so amazing and I don't want to lose any kernel of this information that we're talking about. So, rebecca, welcome to Guides Gone Wilds.

Rebecca Sperry:

Thank you. Thank you for having me on. I really appreciate it.

Jen:

Oh my God, it's like.

Jen:

This is like a dream, and yeah, I'm just super psyched that you are taking the time to talk to me today, because I know it's one of the days of your cycle that you feel like shit and you're just stepping up and like you always do, like, and you sharing this and what Rebecca and I were just talking about and she's going to get into a little bit more in a second it's just how little information that there is sometimes accessible and things like you think kind of like when I started this whole thing of like, oh, I want to find all the female guides here.

Jen:

It's going to be a two second Google search. Oh, I just got diagnosed with cancer in the middle of fucking COVID and I want this kind of information. And you look online and you just don't find it. And it's like it's mind boggling to me that I can Google and find 17 different ways to saute like an onion and I can't find that. You wouldn't be able to find somebody who has shared this type of a journey in a way that is helpful. So I just my hat is off to Rebecca, because she is that person that's doing this and is in the middle of it right now.

Jen:

So yeah, but we're getting ahead of ourselves Go ahead.

Rebecca Sperry:

My main purpose for the blog was well, partially to share with family, so that I wouldn't have to keep sending the same text to everybody, and then also to remember it for myself, and because it's like when you're in it you don't really, you almost can't process it as you're going through it, but also because I just couldn't imagine trying to. I didn't want anyone to go through what I went through and be like shocked and blown away, like taken back by this thing that just happens and you don't have any idea it's going to happen, and I never wanted anyone to feel like the way I felt. Yeah, and the diagnostics.

Jen:

The point I'm sure you're going to get to like as somebody who already kind of struggles with anxiety and panic and whatever. Like the unknown is always the thing that you're the most afraid of. Like when you feel like you have control or agency over your situation, even though it is kind of a figment of all of our imaginations, because you could get hit by a goddamn meteorite or satellite falling out of a tree anytime, you, you know whatever. But when you feel like you've been in control of your life and then all of a sudden, you have no idea what's coming around the bend, like it's just how could you not feel anxious? And so I think that you are taking that anxiety away from countless numbers of people right now, and and that's going to be one of your many amazing legacies, but we're going to get to that, so we've gotten way ahead of ourselves now.

Jen:

So, rebecca, I have been following on Instagram for a long time and just have really loved. I mean, I don't know, loved is probably a bad word to use about it, but it's been. Rebecca is a amazing solo hiker. She was, has been taking on a lot of things that you only read and you know, maybe not even aspire to because they're so logistically and physically difficult, and then got thrown a huge curveball just last fall and has been kind of working her way through it and we're going to talk about all that today. So, rebecca, I'm going to stop talking because I talk too much and I want to back way up and understand, because the other thing that I learned about you is that you are not somebody who grew up like, hiking all the time, wanting to be, you know, joe varsity, josephine, varsity, like. So tell me, how did you first get into the outdoors and hiking and found hiking as an activity that you enjoyed?

Rebecca Sperry:

and we'll go from there, okay, so, like you said, I'm very much not in, I guess active person. I'm very much an academic, I like school, I like learning, I like reading books. I'd rather just sit on the couch and read a book or write. So in 2015, well I guess, so throughout my life prior to that I went on maybe like a handful of hikes with my spouse, just for fun. We went out and did a couple of short hikes and then I was one of those people that if I wasn't going to do it with my husband, then I wasn't going to do it at all.

Rebecca Sperry:

Typically, like I liked to do things with him, if I was going to do something or with a friend, I wouldn't really go by myself. Well, in 2015, I decided I wanted to go hiking one day and he did not want to go hiking, he was just tired or whatever. It was on the weekend. So I decided I was going to go by myself and so I did and I hiked Mount Major, which is not the hardest mountain in the world or the biggest, but it was my first time hiking solo and I was instantly hooked and it was just such a rush, like an adrenaline rush and confidence boost, and I was smiling community or the whole time. I was so proud of myself for doing this by myself, especially because there's quite the stigma around hiking solo, especially back in those even just six years ago, for women so I was just really excited and I was hooked and instantly that was like all I wanted to do was hike.

Jen:

So I only ended up doing about yeah. I was going to just say, like, what do you think it was that day that made you do that Like? Because that didn't just come out of nowhere, I would imagine.

Rebecca Sperry:

Yeah, I think I was starting to get to a point where I felt like I was ready to try things on my own a bit more. So we have been at that point. We've been together for 10 years. So we've met in 2005. So 10 years we've been together. I guess it was almost like a building up, where I just kind of finally got to the point where I was ready to push the button and go and just take that step to try something solo, and it was a safe choice.

Jen:

I mean, mount Major is pretty busy usually, so it's not like you didn't expect to see other people out there that day. So I think that was. It seems like it was a very informed choice, maybe. Maybe I'm speaking out of turn, yeah, no, it was.

Rebecca Sperry:

I mean, I don't even remember what I carried in my pack. I'm sure there was just silly stuff in there, but I definitely know I brought, you know, one of those generic first aid kits and water, and I'm sure my husband helped me prepare like with that kind of stuff, and then that was it. I was just hooked. It was just like, yes, I have to do this again, I have to feel this way again, and so I did. I did about, I think, only eight hikes that summer, which isn't that many for me.

Jen:

Well, but for somebody that was getting started and just like, literally just did their first solo hike, to then manage to plan another eight hikes because it's not like you don't, you weren't working and having a life as well. Right, so I'm enjoying this. On the weekends.

Rebecca Sperry:

Well, yeah, so actually. So I was a teacher, I am a teacher, I, or I have been a teacher from 2013 on, so I had summers off, so that was kind of maybe part of the reasoning behind doing more hiking and getting these activities is that I actually, for the first time 2015 was my first time not working through the summer, because I didn't do summer school or anything.

Jen:

But you don't live in the White Mountains either. That's the other thing that's worth pointing out. Like you're not, it's not like this is like, oh, I'm going to go down the corner and, and you know, I'm at a trailhead, Right, I mean, because that's the other thing I I'm break. I want you to tell it. You're telling me all breaking down all these excuses that I hear all the time about, like well, I work all the time.

Jen:

Oh, yeah, so that I'm only at the weekends Like okay, so you were driving 45 minutes an hour at least, yeah.

Rebecca Sperry:

Yeah, so I live in Manchester, so Mount major, I want to say it's about 50 minutes away from my house, so yeah, drove out there and then did a handful more hikes throughout that summer. I ended up doing two, well three, 4,000 footers. I did Musalaki was my first solo and that was really awesome. And I was so looking back on like, oh my gosh, I was such an idiot Like I was wearing a cotton t-shirt, I didn't have the right clothing for the conditions above tree line, like totally unprepared in some ways. But I did that one.

Rebecca Sperry:

And then I ended up trying my hand at the osteolas and I did those two as a peak bag, my first time peak bagging. So hiking both of them, and boy, that was like the most difficult. I was almost crying. I didn't think I'd be able to make it back up the chimney off of up the side of osteola after going to East. I was just, I had pushed myself rather than I've pushed myself up to that point physically and it wasn't. I didn't know how to manage that feeling of being exhausted Because I never had to do that. I was not that type to do that.

Rebecca Sperry:

So anyways, I ended up. I was fine. I made it back to the car, but it was like I need to. I'm not hiking anymore after this. And then, of course, by the next spring, I was chomping at the bit to get back out there. And 2016,. I ended up doing 48 summits. I don't remember how many individual hikes, but did 48 summits. Then the next year I did 91. And then I did 113 and, like every year, I'd add kind of to my repertoire, yes, or my- and you're gonna slip by yourself, right.

Rebecca Sperry:

Yeah, so I ended up. Let's see, I wanna say, in 2016, I did maybe four hikes with my mom out of all of them, and then I did two with this guy that is a friend of my husband's, but everything else was solo. And then I don't think I did any hikes with anyone else the next year or the year after. I wanna say, it was like two years of solo only.

Jen:

When you're getting up near a hundred days.

Rebecca Sperry:

Yeah, I Cause now you're-.

Jen:

At that point you're branching into, you're not just doing it in the summer anymore, right At a hundred.

Rebecca Sperry:

No at that point. So 2016 was my first time doing winter, so that was when I actually went with another person. Is I needed someone I wanted? It wouldn't have been smart to start off in winter conditions solo, so I wanted someone to show me the ropes, kind of. And that was when I had my husband's friend went with me and we did, I think, two hikes in winter conditions and then I was ready to try on my own.

Jen:

What did you do in between? So you say you had that, you know, kind of less pleasant experience in Osceola. You're like, oh shit, I got a little bit over my head here. Yeah, what did you do in the ensuing months besides just have some distance from the situation, to then go back at it and kind of gung ho the next spring, like, did you take a class? Did you like, did you talk to people? Like how did you get over that? Huh.

Rebecca Sperry:

I think I just let time pass and it became less like scary in a moment and it was still like I couldn't let go of that feeling of wanting to keep trying, even though I did feel like I needed to not do it for a while and I did not take a class, I didn't do any sort of anything different with that. I think at that point I did find out more online about through hiking so that became my new obsession was wanting to do a through hike and like got bit by that bug a bit for a while so I think-.

Jen:

I guess you would be picking up a lot of gear, advice and stuff through that, I would imagine, once you get into those places.

Rebecca Sperry:

Yeah. So I ended up finding out more about what that was and just felt like, oh my gosh, this community of people exists and I didn't even know it and I'm like this is my people and I just felt like I had found where I needed to fit in sort of this niche.

Jen:

So did you try to do a longer through hike at any point? And cause I know you have a trail name, essentially right Socked in, yeah, and like tell me about that. So I let's see.

Rebecca Sperry:

I think I think 2017 was my first year that I said to my husband I want to try a through hike, I want to do a through hike. So I actually applied and became a blogger for the track, which is a popular through hiking website, in 2017. And my original plan was to do the long trail. So you know, I was preparing for that in the spring of 2017 and I went on a day hike in the Bell Naps and basically it was like I was trying to prepare myself mentally for like really crappy conditions being out there, when it was kind of scary and eerie looking and I just couldn't handle it mentally. I was like having a panic attack. So I got off trail partway through a long hike, a day hike, and kind of just said no, I'm not doing a through hike, like I can't do this, I'm not mentally there to do this, put it on hold, did other stuff through 2017.

Rebecca Sperry:

Throughout that summer I finished, I restarted hiking the 48. I wanted to do all of them in a year, so I was already working on them, but I wanted to try doing them in a specific timeframe. So that was kind of my focus for 2017. And the January of 2018,. I finished my 48. Franconia Ridge.

Jen:

In January 2018.

Rebecca Sperry:

Yeah, January, I wanna say it was the 21st maybe. Oh my God, that is so hard. It was actually really bad conditions that is so hard, for it was like really I actually that was my first time meeting Mike and Sond. Yeah, I was gonna say I'm like that story I'll link up.

Jen:

So Rebecca was on another podcast recently that is actually hosted by a friend of mine here in town, called Sounds Like a Search and Rescue or there's like an acronym for it, but it's a it actually there's a lot of cool stuff. And you did mention that that they like did the whole guy bravado thing? Oh yeah, it's not that bad. And then she kept going and they were turning back and they didn't tell her that at the time.

Rebecca Sperry:

They were like yeah, this is like you're dicey.

Jen:

We're going back down.

Rebecca Sperry:

And they told me, into the solo female hiker and let her keep going.

Jen:

I'm like you jackasses, but anyway, that was very funny. They're like oh yeah, we met you At least.

Rebecca Sperry:

I mean I yeah, at least I live. But here's that.

Jen:

Right, exactly, exactly. Oh man, okay so, but that that is a. It's a beautiful hike, it's a rigorous hike, it's a not somewhere I would want to be on a crappy day for sure. It's very, very exposed for a very long time. So good on you, that's pretty. So you were socked in at that point, basically.

Rebecca Sperry:

Yeah, it was. It was socked in. Actually it was terrible. I didn't get any views up on the ridge, it was just. I just was terrified. I just put my head down and went Cause. Once you get up there, you're kind of sort of stocky committed. You're like so I knew that going into it, I'm like well, once I hit that ridge, I'm committed.

Jen:

So, but yeah, I ended up coming down. Did you come down? The the I?

Rebecca Sperry:

went down bridal path.

Jen:

No, I left yeah.

Rebecca Sperry:

So I went up falling waters, because that's typically in the winter route. You go up falling waters and down the old bridal path, which means Lafayette was my last peak.

Jen:

Yeah.

Rebecca Sperry:

In the fourth thousand footers and then that summer ended up doing the 67. I finished all of those in like a less than a month. I went out and did.

Jen:

Yeah, I did Vermont in a week and those are over 3000? What are those?

Rebecca Sperry:

The 67 or like the whole note.

Rebecca Sperry:

That's all of the yes. So I did Vermont. There's five peaks. I did those in a week. Main I think there's 14 in Maine. So I did Maine over a course of a couple of weeks. I ended up staying up at like the sugarloaf hotel and doing that whole area in a week, which was like insane. And then I finished the 40, I'm sorry, the 67. I finished in Baxter State Park and I did that. Baxter was my final peak and I've gone back there every year actually since, cause I just love it up there.

Jen:

Yeah, it is beautiful.

Rebecca Sperry:

Doing. I would say, out of all the peaks I've done, I always considered Katahdin to be like the end all be all, like the hardest mountain, even though it's not as big as Washington. I always looked at that and said I could never do that, that's too hard. And then I did and I was like I did it, I did it. You know, it was just an amazing feeling.

Jen:

Have you done pretty much all of the approaches on that one too. Cause we're cause, I know.

Rebecca Sperry:

I've done the hunt trail once and then I did oh my gosh, what's it called? I think it's Cathedral Pond, it's up the other side. I've done that one twice, so I've done it three times, done it the last three summers. A hunt trail is actually pretty rough. I mean there's some rebar. You got to like hook your foot up onto this rebar hook and it's. It's kind of crazy that that's the trail.

Jen:

Yeah, yeah.

Rebecca Sperry:

Yeah.

Jen:

Whatever the one is, that goes like through those chimneys and stuff up to nice, nice edge. We did the one time I've been up there I did that one and I was like I didn't realize there were other trails you could take and I was just like following my husband and his friend and they're like oh yeah, and I was literally losing my mind. But anyway, it's a beautiful mountain though and it's just, it's super fun to hike, just because chances are you're going to watch some people finish the AT if you're there in the summertime, and that's kind of fun too, you're watching that whole thing unfold. But so you were definitely. What do you think it was about? These like the lists and the, you know, kind of the more, the more goal oriented thing, cause it seems like that was. And then you were starting to try to red line or trace what we're calling it now because, yes, for a good reason, there's some, you know some angst around that term monology. But you, what was the attraction of those types of things versus just going out for a hike?

Rebecca Sperry:

I'm very goal oriented and I'm like a type A personality. I love lists and I love to make lists in general, like just in life. So the idea of and it's like, doesn't get much better than this. It's like there's a list and I get to hike, it's like everything I could ever want right there.

Jen:

And I love that you're old school, cause you're like a, not not a, like, oh, I'm going to have the hottest tech Like you use, like maps and books, and I'm just like, oh, woman after my own heart, cause man, that makes me yeah.

Rebecca Sperry:

I don't even really know how to. I don't have Gaia, I don't have Strava, I don't have I haven't got hooked now, but I don't really use it at all. Didn't really even know how to use it up until last year. I don't even know what else is out there. I only use maps and guide books, though, like that's my. Those are my tools when I hike, but you do have a satellite thing.

Jen:

You do have a little satellite. Yeah, I have a, yeah.

Rebecca Sperry:

I have a, a Garmin Explorer, for it's a, it's a satellite phone and that's basically to keep my husband and my mom from losing their mind.

Jen:

Yeah. So, Well, and let's, so let's talk about that. What are the things like what do you bring now because you're going out by yourself, like, what are the things that maybe you have that you wouldn't have had otherwise if you were always going out with groups?

Rebecca Sperry:

Actually, I think I carry probably what I would carry regardless, cause I know it's important stuff, but I've really dialed in what I consider necessary and what I think you should have. So I have my, my Garmin, which is a satellite phone, and I can use that if there's no service to communicate. I carry extra clothes, so like a jacket, depending on the depending on the season. Obviously, like winter, I carry a lot more gear, but in the summertime I carry a outer layer like a wind breaking layer, and then a poppy, and then I have like a first aid kit. That's what I know I would need.

Rebecca Sperry:

It's not like a built one. I built my own, cause a lot of what's in those you aren't going to end up needing. I carry a water filter, which is like the best thing ever because I tend to need a lot of water, so I always feel like I need to be filtering water constantly. Let's see what else do I carry. And I have a headlamp and extra batteries that I make sure is working, cause you want to make sure it actually works.

Jen:

Let's see, I have a knife. It's been sitting in your car all winter. Don't assume that it's going to turn on when you need it. Yeah, exactly.

Rebecca Sperry:

Learn that lesson. Yeah, in the winter I carry like a Bivi and a space blanket I think they're called, and then I carry hand warmers and stuff like that. So I have that on top of everything else that I have for extra clothes Sunblock, bug spray Definitely bug spray this time of year it's ridiculous. But I mean I don't really carry like an excessive amount of gear. I'm not one of those people that carries overnight gear, especially not in the summertime, because I know, you know, I'm very cautious about conditions. So like I will check the weather before going and I will check even just like that morning, like I will be checking to make sure it's not going to be bad and I tend to not. I don't like going up above tree line that much, so it's more a matter of like do I have enough food? Do I have enough water?

Rebecca Sperry:

Do I have the physical ability to get myself out if I need to, and it's mostly below tree line, so I'm not as worried about conditions for like if I had to spend the night in the woods, because I know it's going to be warmer down in the trees than it is up above tree line. If I'm hiking in Washington, I'm carrying way more gear than I would if I was just going down and doing like a Pemi something in the Pemigawasset.

Jen:

Mm-hmm. Okay, what do you use? What's your go-to site for weather? Do you do the Mount Washington? Whatever that one is?

Rebecca Sperry:

No, I actually don't like that one. I like the Mountain.

Jen:

Forecast, then I'm glad I asked so what do you use?

Rebecca Sperry:

It's called Mountain Forecast and I feel like it's a much more reliable source. I do think that the Mount Washington Observatory is great for those peaks, but for everything else it tends to be overzealous. So I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've relied or I've used that as my source for weather, and then also I will look at both. I would not just look at one, but I would go out there and be like this is not even remotely as bad as what they made it sound like. They'd say it's 60, 70 mile an hour winds and it's like 20, and I'm you know this is maybe up on Washington, but not in the rest of the area.

Jen:

So, right, yeah, yeah, that's very true, all right. So you definitely are well into this whole hiking thing and then you decide that you've made you wanted to try the single year tracing breadlining, which is essentially hiking every you know, putting the lines on your map for every single trail, that's, in the different editions of the white mountain guide, correct? Is that a good interpretation?

Rebecca Sperry:

Yeah, so, yeah, so I did the 67 and 2018, 2019, I was dead set on doing a through hike. That was my goal. So I actually did a short through hike it's the Menad-Nox on a Pecrian way, which is what I just did I just came back from, but it only took me. I did it in three days. The first time I hiked it it was really hard because it was like 20 mile days, two twenties and then a 13 or 14 mile day, which was insane, yeah. And then my goal for that summer was to do the long trail, because I really really wanted to do that. So I ended up only doing four days and deciding that I just wasn't into it. It wasn't for me. It was in the way of everything else I wanted to do for the summer, but I did like backpacking. So I did in 2019, I did four nights on three nights on the long trail, the Tully trail in Massachusetts, as an overnight I did the Menad-Nox on a Pecrian way, I did half of the Grafton loop and then I stayed up on isolation. So I did several overnight.

Rebecca Sperry:

That was like the 2019 year. That was what I did, and then the fall of 2019 is when I got into the whole planning out, the tracing, the whites piece. I got kind of really into that. From a planning standpoint. It was like this logistical nightmare and it was like a puzzle that I wanted to try and put together, sort of, and it was really kind of keeping my mind busy, cause at that point, you know, I'm back at work full time and I'm like I need something to do that's fun and not me at work all the time. So 2019, I really spent that fall and winter focused on planning it all out. And then in 2020, I started January 1st working on trying to do it in a year and then I had to stop because of COVID in April and I had to stop and like zero myself back out and restart in June at 0%. And from June to August I did 18% of the trails in the whites and then had to stop again because I got cancer.

Jen:

Yeah, all right, so, just like so. Then I had to stop again because I got cancer. Okay, so let's, let's stop, right, let's definitely put a pin in this. So you're, you are, you know, at that point, so, august, you're, were you getting ready to? You were getting ready to start school, but you were going to start a program and master's program or a PhD or something like that. At that point, right, and?

Rebecca Sperry:

yeah. So I have a master's med and I was going back for another master's and a week before school started I got diagnosed with cancer. So I had to draw. I was, you know, I had choices I had to make about. Well, do, obviously I can't do three classes full time. Right now I'm going through this crazy diagnostic process and having major surgery and it's like your whole life becomes so busy with doctor's appointments you don't have time. So I dropped down to one class in the fall and I ended up being stupid and this was not something.

Jen:

That was anything you would have anticipated, like you're in your 30s. You have no family history.

Rebecca Sperry:

I have no family history Totally unexpected. No one has cancer in my family. Like it's not even on my radar because I I don't even have. Like there's just none of it there's. No, I have no experience with it, other than like, if you, you know, I had a former student that was part of the video that I did with twerk. Monique had cancer and then I had a friend, you know a couple of friends that were just sort of like not super close friends, but people I knew who, who had cancer. But it was not something that was on my radar. I don't think it's on anyone's radar, to be honest. Yeah, and then it just happened.

Jen:

Unless they have like a family, yeah.

Rebecca Sperry:

So then I was in a week I found out I had it. It's like really really fast. You don't even really have time to like process any of what's being said or done because it all happens so fast. If you're really, if it's really obvious that it's cancer, so there's different ways of reading it and when you're getting the diagnostics done, the tests like the mammogram and the ultrasound and everything like that, so they can rate it. What they're looking at on an ultrasound it's called the by rad scale and it's one to six or actually zero to six. In a six is cancer and I was a five. So 90 to 95% chance it was cancer and all they really needed to do is a biopsy just to confirm it, which obviously at the time they don't. They don't really say that because they don't want to scare you more than they already have, but that's essentially what they're doing.

Rebecca Sperry:

And so Monday I went in to my PCP and they were like, yeah, there's a lamp or whatever my husband actually had found at the week prior and they felt it, yes, there's something there. They referred me to Elliott breast health in Manchester. I go there the same day and I was there for probably three hours and they did a mammogram. Then they did another mammogram and an ultrasound, and the ultrasound tech, or the radio radiology or what's called radiology technician, after completing the ultrasound and looking at the mammogram, she's like going to refer or I'm going to schedule a biopsy. And of course I'm freaking out at this point and it's because of COVID. You're by yourself, you can't have anyone in there with you. So I'm like well, do you? What does that mean? And she's like well, I suspect cancer. And I, of course, just broke down because I couldn't handle it, like I was terrified.

Jen:

Hell, of course you are. You know, I, that's the. That's the part of that, that's one of the many parts of the story that I just like can't even get over is like, okay, it's the middle of freaking COVID and you're just alone, You're just by yourself and you know, with a mix of people who may or may not have any kind of bedside manner or ability to like help you through what's happening, and even you have no one to lean on. You know.

Rebecca Sperry:

Yeah. So one thing you learn as you go through this process is how and this one person online said this to me and it's it's the most accurate thing that I've heard someone say about the whole thing is doctors treat the illness and nurses treat the patient. So your doctors are very unsympathetic a lot of the time and they don't even really see you. I hate to say this, but I don't think a lot of them see you as a person. They just see you as they don't even really see you. They see the illness and they're not thinking about how you're affected by all of this.

Rebecca Sperry:

So the woman who did the diagnosis and like went through and read my radiology, my ultrasound, very bad bedside manner, and I actually ended up even calling the hospital and putting in a complaint about her because it was really inappropriate, like the way she handled the situation with not just me but the ultrasound tech and everything. So, and because of COVID, you're by yourself. So I don't have anyone in there with me, it's just me and these two random women. And at that point some like freaking out and I'm like can I just have my husband brought in? So he did get to be brought in.

Rebecca Sperry:

After they did that and the surgeon the woman who actually is my surgeon she's an amazing person and she did a really good job kind of walking me through what was going on after that.

Rebecca Sperry:

So after having the ultrasound read and getting the biopsy confirmed that I need one, she sat down with us and did like at least an hour long talk about things and she made me feel better, even though I know she probably was just trying really hard to make me calm down and make me not think for sure it was cancer yet, even though obviously it was. But then Wednesday of that week I went in and had the biopsy and the people who were part of that were awesome. Like some people I think are really great at doing it, but others is just they're just treating the illness. So I have so many people I think I have like a dozen people on my team, so I have lots of different doctors and nurses that I see, and then social workers and nutritionists and just everybody you could ever imagine. But I'm learning more about like you don't rely on them to make you feel all warm and fuzzy. If it's not the nurse like the nurses tend to be the more warm and fuzzy people.

Jen:

Yeah, what's been and this is kind of why I turned the recording on at the beginning so what's been remarkable about one of many remarkable things about Rebecca and in this journey, like, first off, when you think about it, like that was just August, like that wasn't that long ago, Like it is crazy to think about what you've been through in like six months barely you know just barely, I mean it's nuts and the fact that Rebecca has essentially was keeping she was writing about this the whole time, which I'm sure in some ways was cathartic, but that wouldn't necessarily mean you would need to share it with the world.

Jen:

You know you could be having this journal journaling. You know practice to make yourself feel better and not sharing it with anyone, but she has been sharing it on a blog and she's a writer and so she's a very she's a very good writer and it was it's just nuts to to just watch it. You're essentially like kind of watching it real time unfold, like your different feelings around different things about how you were.

Jen:

Like hell, no, I'm not having chemotherapy, fuck that shit, I'm doing it my own way, and then later on, you're like and even just to the point where just recently, you're writing about how the port and the chemo process like you're gonna you're afraid of it, of not having it now like it makes you feel safe as much as it's like the tools that make you feel like shit again and again and again, and you know that it's like you don't know what you're gonna do when they're gone and it's just like it's just been.

Jen:

I mean, again, I can't even begin to relate to this, thank God. But at the same time, I'm so thankful that you are doing this because if it ever happens to me or somebody I love, again I know exactly where to go, because it's like you are just taking us through this like crazy. You know, sine curve of emotions, and what you're thinking and your control and this and that and whatever, and just like all should some shit that I wouldn't have even thought of, like that, I'm like, oh my God. Of course you're feeling that you know, and I just I just have to say thank you so much because it has been, you know, heartbreaking but yet so inspiring at the same time, and it's just wonderful that you're the type of person who's who's doing this for the rest of us Like. Thank you so you're welcome.

Rebecca Sperry:

I mean, yeah, I am my, my website, I post on there and like that's kind of my blog or whatever of everything. And so it's square. Square space is the program I use and it has a statistics type thing where you can look and see and it will show where in the world people are logging in or in what they're looking at. And it's like sad in a way, because I know I'll watch and I'll see a person from somewhere, like I don't know where it's, let's say Indiana login and read a crap load of posts about cancer and I'm like, well, someone probably just got cancer diagnosis because they went through and read every single one of my blog posts.

Jen:

Right? Well, because we should say that that was the site you were using to document all the hiking stuff like right prior to this. So there's also a lot of amazing like trail information and like, if you're interested in ever doing the 48s or through hiking, you know, backpacking, redlining, tracing, whatever you want to call it. It's for sure there's a lot of information on there around that. But then there's this other other whole section which is like holy fricking I bet it is like that. They probably it's two different types of people like coming in that you wouldn't necessarily think that those Venn diagrams are intersecting, but yeah, and another thing.

Rebecca Sperry:

So like I'm a really avid hiker and that's kind of been where, that's my community so and it's it's kind of probably a little it's a little weird to be the person within the hiking community that's going through this publicly. But there are also a lot of people that have reached out to me throughout the months that are hikers, that are like I also got cancer and hiking through it and stuff like that. So my big thing, when I got this diagnosis other than the fact that I had surgery and I had a month that I couldn't hike because I had surgery my goal was to hike as much as possible and like be really public about it. Because I think one of the things that I was most fearful besides the whole not wanting to die piece was losing this major piece of who I was in my my passion for hiking. So, especially through chemo, my goal was to hike.

Rebecca Sperry:

I had a very explicit goal of hiking one mountain per week. They were all 12 weeks of chemo that I had. It's more intense chemo than what I'm getting now. My goal was I'm going to do one mountain per week and then I'm going to exercise or like walk or something five days a week through chemo because I just really wanted to see if I could kind of improve that it's. It's possible because I feel like you see how many people out there who have cancer they're like really, really sick and they can't do anything because they are, you're really sick and I was lucky that I was a little bit more milder in terms of my treatment, like what I was getting for treatment, but at the same time I still had like anemia and I was really really tired and didn't feel good. But I really wanted to see if I could do it.

Jen:

So and what I well, and what I thought was interesting and this is another reason why I'm glad you're you're, you were putting it out there and you kind of talked about that, like when you decided, oh, I want to do this, I want to keep hiking. It sounds like you were like, well, it's just even something that people do, and nobody was really being forthcoming about, like I weren't publicizing the fact that they were doing that until after they see you publicly saying I'm going to do this, and then like, yeah, I did this to it. So like knowing it's doable and so like again, kudos to you for being like okay, this is what I want to do. And then taking us through that journey of being able to be like, oh, could she do it or could she not do it?

Jen:

And what were the struggles and where you know, and the fact that you I, as somebody who has not gone through this I'm like can you know, is that even recommended? Like would that even be a good idea? And you said you talked to your physicians. They were like, actually, activity would be great, but people just feel like shit, so they don't do it. And you're like well, okay, if it's okay for me to do this and I'm going to do it, and you have been continuing to hike and and check things off, these various lists and undertakings you're on or or re framing your various lists and undertakings to to continue to be achieving, or it.

Jen:

And it's just amazing, it's just amazing to be a spectator and and and also. I'm just sitting here like what is my frickin excuse? Like, are you kidding me? I mean really.

Rebecca Sperry:

I give yeah, people say that's me too, like what's my excuse? Because you're out there doing it and I don't necessarily.

Rebecca Sperry:

I do like that. I think that's great to motivate other people. I think for me it's more a matter of like wanting to show other people that you don't have to give up like this really amazing part of yourself just because you're going through treatment. Because for me it was more a matter of like losing a part of my identity than anything, and so, yeah, I like to.

Rebecca Sperry:

I'm kind of a little bit obsessive about like data tracking and stuff. So I took data on it and I did. You know how many miles a week did I do and how how many mountains and stuff like that for the 12 weeks of treatment, and I think I ended up doing 20 some I think it was there 26 or 28 mountains. Of course I was peak bagging, so some of them would be multiple peaks per trip, and then I don't remember how many miles off top my head it was. Some it was over 100. It's maybe 170 or something like that.

Rebecca Sperry:

But yeah, I, if there would be days where I'd feel really crappy and I would only be able to do like a 20 minute walk on the treadmill, but I'm like at least I'm doing something, because, yeah, I just I needed to have this thing to focus on, that I control, because there's really not much you're controlling at this point. When you're going through cancer treatment, it's like the decisions aren't really being. You're being told what you need to do when you don't feel like you have a choice. So having one thing that was my choice was nice, yeah.

Jen:

And I just ever had.

Jen:

my hand has been off to you too, because it's like obviously there's. You know, there's a cycle to how you feel when you're going through all of this, and you were, from the beginning, just like to you. As you said, you're a data person and you're like I'm going to keep track of this. And then over time, you have essentially gamified this whole situation where it's like okay. So in this phase of my treatment, I lived through this first week and I know that I feel like crap on Thursday and Friday, like it just the way that you had figured out, like okay, well, I got my treatment now, and a lot of times you were like getting your treatment, going out and going hiking that day, because you knew the next two days you were going to be luggage and it's just like. It's amazing to me and, I guess, to your point. You're, you're, you're taking control of as much of the situation as you can when you can, yeah, but also extending yourself grace when you can't.

Rebecca Sperry:

Yeah, and another. So my, my oncologist. You know they talk about it, all of the side effects which there's. Literally you do a phone call with the nurse that takes a couple. It was like a two hour phone call teaching you about chemotherapy, which is a little insane to me.

Rebecca Sperry:

But the oncologist said you know, the only things that can really combat or help with the side effect of being really tired and also having this thing called chemo brain where you feel really foggy and out of it. The only things that seemed to help was exercise. So that was kind of for me, a huge part of why I really wanted to do it is because it would combat some of those side effects and it definitely would help. So I would get on the treadmill and walk for 20 minutes and I was, my brain would clear up a bit just doing that and I'd get a little bit more energy. Another thing that I did is I decided kind of wish I didn't pick this class, but I took a doctoral level composition class my first semester, or my first, like last fall. So when I was first going through all of it, I decided to stick with one class that was on my schedule and it was that one.

Jen:

It was the hardest class I've ever taken in my life. So you don't have a genetic predisposition to cancer, but you do have a genetic predisposition to masochism, apparently, because that doesn't seem like yes.

Rebecca Sperry:

It was the hardest class I've ever taken period, even if I wasn't going through cancer treatment, because it's a content that I have zero experience with and it's extremely high order thinking, all sorts of things that I didn't know even existed, like terminologies, and I mean it's really difficult. I'm reading the like these philosophical books and studies and all sorts of crazy stuff that I didn't even have any background in and I had to write papers and do book review and all sorts of stuff. So my first, like from September through December, I worked on that and that was when I also was getting chemo. For about I think, eight rounds or something like that Of that time I was getting chemo and my brain was really it was really struggling, like there were times, but I do think it helped me keep my brain from sort of becoming mush, cause you know the.

Rebecca Sperry:

So the chemotherapy affects your brain a lot, the cognitive abilities and stuff. So I think it did help with that. And then this past, so in the springtime I started off taking I only have two classes this semester, but I took two classes instead of one and a little bit easier of classes for sure. But I wanted to just keep using my brain and not just do nothing.

Jen:

Yeah, I just I can't even. I just can't even Talk to me about your, your loved ones, your husband, your family. What was their reaction to you being like I'm going to keep hiking during this Cause? I mean, this is obviously something you're living with, you're living through as a first person account, but, like it has a, definitely has a. I know there's an aura of effect, that an impact around other people and what was there? Were they like I don't want you to do this? Or were they like I don't want you to do this? But I know you, it's important to you, but I'm going to be here to pick up the pieces, cause I don't think you can do this. Or like, tell me about what was everybody else's reaction to this?

Rebecca Sperry:

So my mom and my husband are my like two people that are my primary kind of caregivers, I guess. And so my mom, I think, cause I'm older, I'm 37, like she's not she can't tell me what to do. I guess you can say anymore.

Jen:

Yeah, but still like oh my God, I can't even imagine as a mom. I'm like it's like ugh.

Rebecca Sperry:

She's used this, having me do things that are just going to make her go crazy. So you know, of course she supported me and wanted me to be smart about it. And then my husband it's I would say more for him like he knew what they said about the exercise piece. And the great thing about him is he's always been really supportive of me doing these things, I think, even if it makes him anxious, and so I know the first few times I went out hiking, he was definitely pretty anxious about me being out there and I would check in with him quite often and I purposely did shorter hikes, obviously places where I knew there'd be people, and I was really cautious and careful about not making any sort of stupid choices or pushing things too far, because I knew I was taking up pretty more significant risk just by doing this while I was going through treatment. So I checked in with him a lot more and purposely did shorter hikes and tried to slow it down and take my time, which became I had to because I was so tired and winted it was awful Felt, so weak, it was unbelievable.

Rebecca Sperry:

But yeah, I think and I would do them on the days where I knew I'd feel the best, because when you're getting it every week, there are certain days where you feel not normal but much closer to normal. But I think he knew that I needed to do it because it was also helping me. Like it was helping me, it was alleviating the symptoms a bit, so he would actually kind of push me a bit when I would be really tired and not want to get out of bed and do anything. He would be like just do 20 minutes on the treadmill, which is good, because I needed that. He also would always like give me the. He wasn't going to force me, but he would try to motivate me if I needed the motivation, which was exactly what I needed.

Rebecca Sperry:

So yeah, I would say he probably was definitely nervous at the beginning especially, but I think he got a little bit more comfortable with it as I kept going and for like so for last week, I did three nights or three days of hiking in a row, so I was on the woods doing stuff and I'm still in treatment technically. So I think he wanted to make sure I was okay and I think he probably was a little bit nervous. But I think they both kind of know they don't. There's not really a controlling. I'm not controllable, almost Like I'm gonna make the decision and you're just gonna have to deal with it.

Jen:

Well, I was just wondering if they were like, even just and I think Mike or his buddy there brought this up, which I thought was a good point that I hadn't thought about Like even if you get past the whole how you feel on the trail and have something happen to you on the trail bottom line, you're like also then driving to and from these places cause you're day hiking and so it's like I know how tired I am, but I'm in no way shape or form is in good of physical condition, aside from the cancer as you are.

Jen:

But like you get off the trail after you've been hiking for four or five or six hours and you're tired and you get in your car and you're like, okay, you know you drive home, but then you were, you know you're going through cancer treatment, you've just done something that's like pushing you extraordinarily hard physically and then you're driving home afterwards Like I was wondering if they were even like, how about we drive you to the trail and I'll just find something to do in the area or whatever, like trying to, you know, inject themselves in a non-controlling but somehow supportive way to be like this seems like a lot and I don't, you know, cause ugh.

Rebecca Sperry:

I think I don't know. I've always amazed myself at how capable you are, more than you would even think. And yeah, I'd be tired. And there were a few times where I'd be on like, so day four is usually the worst day of the week when I would go through these rounds, so I'd be out there on day five, so I'd still be feeling pretty crappy. And there were a few hikes where I mean I was just like felt horrible and I didn't want to keep, like I was just ugh, like I just felt terrible the whole time and you don't have a choice but to keep going. You really don't Like, even if, like, let's say, I decided I'm done, I'm just going to collapse here on the side of the trail. How many hours am I going to be waiting for search and rescue? Am I really that gassed out?

Rebecca Sperry:

So I think when you almost become like where you don't really have a choice, you just keep going and at the same time, after going through what I have gone through, when it comes to the treatment side of things, hiking seems like a nothing in terms of like pushing your body and feeling crappy or feeling uncomfortable. And even this past week I mean I'm doing, haven't done anything over 17 miles since, like last August probably, and I went out and did two 20 mile days or no. I did a 16, a 19 and a 13 in a row. So the 19 mile day I was like I feel crappy and tired I'm. You know, I just put a whole day's worth of hiking in and even then I sort of like remind myself you've did so much harder stuff when you're going through chemo, like what's your problem, sort of, and it really truly is a matter of like reminding yourself of what other things you've done in the past that were so much harder. I think yeah.

Jen:

Elite for me. That is what I do, yeah, Now the perspective shift has been interesting in that it was in some ways something that you kind of witnessed as you were reading all your entries, because the early entries, when you were first getting diagnosed, you were very much like I did not ever think I would get cancer, because I can't handle it.

Jen:

I don't think I'm not a person that's going to be able to handle that, and so it's not going to be dealt to me. And now here you are, like six months later, like how hard is it? I've been through worse, like it just it seems like such a monumental shift.

Rebecca Sperry:

That's really true In such a?

Jen:

short period of time, like I was reading this stuff and because it's like you didn't. You know, like the stuff that's coming out of your mouth right now, about like well, you got to push, you know, pushing yourself Like that that would never. It doesn't sound like that would have ever been your approach in August. And you were doing hard shit back then, like you were doing all this hiking I mean, like the rest of us are all like 17, 18, 19, 20 mile days all in the same week Like are you kidding me? Like I'm totally fine and can eat and sleep and do whatever I want and don't have all this poison running through my bloodstream and I would never freaking try to do that because that would kill me right now. So there's already that. But like you were doing really hard stuff back then but you didn't have that same attitude. It doesn't sound like I mean to think that you couldn't handle it.

Rebecca Sperry:

So for me it was more. I couldn't handle the mental piece and the being sick piece and facing this horrible disease I could. So back in those days I would be like you know, physically I can do these hikes because I've done harder hikes and I know how to do that, like I know how to manage myself on a trail. When I got my diagnosis it was like and I think I've heard a lot of people say that the thing that they're most afraid of is getting cancer but it's like I legitimately really didn't think I'd be able to handle when they're like we're going to put a piece of plastic under your skin and you're going to have to get blood draws from it, and like just the things they put you through. Physically it's like borderline torture.

Rebecca Sperry:

It's like the mental piece for me was the hardest part, like knowing that I was going to have to have all these sort of really awful procedures done to my body and going through all of that and also going through the diagnostic process and just getting a bad phone call after bad phone call of like you're, you know this came back positive and then you have four tumors not this many and like just it just never seemed to end and I think that there couldn't possibly from so far, what I've gone through the hardest and worst part with the diagnostic process and I don't think, let's say, it happens again that I get cancer again.

Rebecca Sperry:

I don't think it would be as hard the second time. That was awful, like not knowing what to expect and just having it come completely out of left field and they're saying all these weird acronyms and you don't even know what they are and it's like I don't know what that even means and you're telling me it like I should know and like that was awful and that was the like. I don't think there could be anything to take notes for you.

Jen:

I mean, that's the other piece. Of it is like you have nobody there. At that point, I mean eventually you do, but it's like and when they're starting at the beginning of this process.

Rebecca Sperry:

Yeah, like when they do the diet, when they did the ultrasound and everything. I mean she's saying we're going to do this. And I mean I'm literally sobbing and she's showing me on a piece of paper how they're going to do the incisions for the biopsy and having me sign the paper. And I'm literally sobbing, like she's not even reading my body language to see that I'm clearly not listening at all to what she's saying. It's like they just want to have you sign the paper so they can get out of the room and go do the rest of their job or like whatever that is.

Jen:

Yeah, you're like FYI, this is not informed consent, exactly. Like if I'm in a fetal position, bawling my eyes out and like catatonic, guess what? Don't have me sign a freaking piece of paper because I think that.

Rebecca Sperry:

And then the fact that they just call you to give you your diagnosis to me is like mind boggling. Like when they call me to tell me you have cancer, they don't bring you in and tell you in person, necessarily. And then the worst one was when I was at home one day and they called to give me the results of the pathology. That came back positive for this protein, which meant for sure I would need chemo. And the whole time that was like the one thing I didn't want to have to get is chemo, because I knew that would be like. So my mind was when I was going through the diagnostic process was like this isn't allowed to go on until 2021. Like this all needs to end before this year ends. Because I'm like very I like to have explicit beginnings and ends to things and I wanted it all to be done so that in 2021 I could start over again with my tracing the whites. Obviously that's gonna happen.

Rebecca Sperry:

It was like I was giving cancer a deadline. You have this long to go through my life and then you need to leave, and obviously that's not how it works. No, when they sat me down and said, like this is how long we would give you this chemo drug and then this one will be this long and then you'll be on this pill and it's like we're looking at 10 years of my life being given medication. And I literally laughed in the face of the oncologist because he's like you're gonna be getting this one for a year. And I laughed because I'm like that's, how is this a reasonable expectation that you think it's okay to just tell people this Like it's no big deal? You're asking me to give up a year of my life for treatment where I'm gonna feel like crap for a year. That's not like I just couldn't wrap my head around it.

Jen:

That does not work for me, that does not fit into my life. That doesn't fit in my life.

Rebecca Sperry:

Exactly. So yeah, like, the whole process of diagnostics is a nightmare, especially when you're brand new to it. You've never gone through it, you don't have an experience with what it looks like. I won't have to go through it in that way again because I've been through it now. So, in terms of like, how I am, strength wise, where I feel like it's been, I've had worse. I think it's true in a lot of ways in terms of the mental piece. I mean, I don't know, I'm sure there will be in my life things that are equally as difficult as this, someday where I'm facing some other thing that's terrible. But boy, that one really top. That one was like the worst. That month when I was going through the diagnostic process was the worst month I've ever gone through. Yeah, just not. There's nothing that could compare. And I lost my dad when I was nine. Like that was the number one thing for me for a long time, and then to have this was at least two times worse than that.

Jen:

Yeah, no, you wrote something and I'm going to butcher it probably, but it was like something about how you had these days where you didn't want to actually go to sleep because it meant that you were that much closer to the next day, which was going to be like more bad news.

Rebecca Sperry:

Yeah, you don't even want to answer the phone and it's like I remember I've seen commercials for people where there's advertisements for cancer drugs and it's kind of funny to me to watch the commercial because you know the person. It's them mimicking that they got the phone call saying they had cancer and they just gently sob on their shoulder of their person. That's with them in the commercial. And then I'm thinking in my head like that's not how it goes. It's you sobbing like keel the over and a ball like hysterically crying because you just got this thing. It's not this pretty little gentle moment, it's horrifying.

Rebecca Sperry:

Yeah, yeah, no. And at the same time I didn't want, I never wanted to. I also wanted to be like this other side of it where people would be able to be like look, yeah, it really sucks, but you can live through it or you can get through it. Because I think part of the problem is that people wait to go get the diagnosis and when you wait that's the worst thing you can do, because then you're getting. It's not going to go away.

Jen:

So right, which was another amazing entry, which was like I don't know if you would call it a poem as much, it was kind of just a. It was kind of this free verse thing. But essentially that was your point of like, you know, essentially itemizing all this shittastic stuff that you've been going through. And then your thing at the end is like I can't even imagine how much worse it would have been if I waited any longer, if I found out, you know if I hadn't found out when I did, and it's just such a legitimate point.

Jen:

And, and you know, I think too there's this whole other element of the kinds of cancer that you got was for sure not the easiest kind of cancer, but it also wasn't like a death sentence, like other folks who get other kinds of cancers, which bring me to the documentary little short film that was made about you, monique, and I.

Jen:

You know I'm like kind of start crying just even thinking about it because it was like so moving. But we, you know we should, we should talk about that. I'm going to link it up in the notes too, because that is a fairly recent addition to the internet. You know sensation that you are going to become and it's so moving, and so you know it. Just here we are talking about your story, which is terrible really, and then there you are telling us another story that's even more terrible and but yet at the same time it's just such a beautiful piece and just tell us a little bit about kind of how that came to be.

Rebecca Sperry:

So there's a photographer he's amazing, his name is Tommy Corey. He typically he was well he's. He's a through hiker and he's known for his hiker trash vogue is his kind of signature thing that he did and he decided he wanted to do a video podcast or a visual podcast for this year, so 2021. And he interview, is interviewing various people to sort of try and show the diversity of the outdoors and help to diversify the outdoors. So he has a woman on that is African American and he has a guy that's Indian like he has all different walks of life represented in these films. And so he asked me if I would be interested in being part of the visual podcast series to sort of talk about my story and my cancer treatment and my journey and everything and hiking through it.

Rebecca Sperry:

So back in December a student that would that I had worked with actually passed away. So she had been going through cancer treatment for it's called Ewing sarcoma and it's an extremely aggressive form of cancer for kids. She was 19 when she passed, she had just turned 19. And almost two years she fought, trying to to beat this and went through things that no one should ever have to go through. So she was a really big part of my diagnostic process and the first few months of my treatment, because we knew each other, because I had been I wasn't her teacher, but I worked with her in the classroom that we shared with her teacher. So she and I knew each other prior to her diagnosis and then prior to my diagnosis and she helped me with a lot of the beginning parts where I was freaking out about, you know, going through all this.

Rebecca Sperry:

And she was this seasoned veteran who I mean, I don't even know. She basically spent almost two years just getting nonstop chemo or radiation, just nonstop levels that I didn't even come close to in terms of like the medical treatment piece, and then major, major surgeries and stuff. So she was just this sort of my helper. She always was there, we were in it together and so ultimately she ended up passing away. So she I don't say that she lost her battle, because she certainly did not lose a battle to this I mean the girl literally fought until the last days, like she didn't. Even so, her mom actually said to me that the doctor and the mom were talking in the hall the day before money passed away and said something about that. You know the doctor must have whispered to the mom something about you know, she may have a few of our hours left. And Monique says, uh, I'm not dying today. And she didn't. She actually died the next morning. So talk about fighting till the very end.

Jen:

I'm not dying today. Fuck you no way I'm not.

Rebecca Sperry:

The girl had a spirit about her that you wouldn't believe like, and she acted like this stuff was no big deal and it's like this is a huge deal. What you're going through and what you're you're experiencing is something no one should have to experience. And of course, she, I'm sure she had her days, but, like you would never know I mean she was not one to to have pity parties she just wanted her story was more about like no kids should have to go through this. Because she was a kid to me, but to her she was in a children's hospital, so she would see little kids. So she was at Boston, I think, Boston Children's Hospital, so she would see these little kids going through this and she'd be like this isn't acceptable. There's no reason why kids should have to suffer like this. And so her big message was always trying to advocate for these little younger children, not wanting her cancer to be the thing that people focused on. She wanted them to focus on the fact that kids should not be suffering like this. It's unacceptable to her. So, yeah, so she ended up passing away. It was really quite terrible, especially because I was going through it myself and it's kind of like, wow, this is a very real thing. You know, first of all, I am facing the same, not the same cancer, but the same type of thing that can kill you and at the same time, just knowing that she had to go through what she had to go through was terrible, and just talking to her a few days before passing and she was like I'm scared and I mean, what do you even say to that? You're just, how do you even address that to someone when they're like I'm scared, I don't want to die? Like well, can't take that away from you and I can't fix that for you, and it's just a really weird feeling, it's a really terrible feeling.

Rebecca Sperry:

So I, when I did the film with Tommy we talked, of course, throughout the days of filming and trying to sort of see which way the story was going to go. So he did about an hour long interview with me and there's probably about 16 questions he asked me and there were all sorts of different things. Not all about my cancer journey was other stuff too, and he ended up focusing more for my story was about Monique and just hiking through treatment and also the fact that this is a very real thing and her story also sort of came out through that piece and I was really glad that he went in that direction, because I've never really wanted to get attention to like it's not about me, it's more about just bringing awareness, and I was thankful that it was able to be more geared towards her story, almost then telling her story and sort of showing the world who she was, versus it being about me. What she went through was so much worse.

Rebecca Sperry:

Like I know people think it's terrible that I'm going through. I'm going through, but I I feel as if I shouldn't even be allowed to complain, Like the other day I was saying to my friend you know, yeah, it sucks, I've got to go get the stupid pill for 10 years, but Monique would have traded places being a heartbeat if that was her choice. So what am I complaining about? Like it's nothing compared to there's decisions people are making that are so much more difficult.

Jen:

So yes, yep. So I I definitely don't like this up because it's it's a beautifully done piece these guys, I mean you just it's so well edited and crafted and the photography is beautiful and the pacing and the music and the whole thing is just yeah, it's definitely going to make you cry.

Rebecca Sperry:

Yeah, I purposely wanted like there are a few things that I specifically kind of wanted to have in there, and one was me shaving my head. So like every week I'd shave my, my husband would shave my head because I didn't even want to know that it was fault, my hair was falling out. It's just too traumatic. So that filming I actually shaved my own head and that was the only time I ever had and the last time I haven't shaved my head since that filming, which was kind of in my, I did it intentionally. I wanted everyone else to be part of that experience, because I feel like I've been so public with everything that I wanted to be public with that too and sort of share it with everyone. Because it was, it was a big deal to me to do that. And then, just talking about Monique, I mean that was really hard. I read what she said to me. I read what I said to her right before she passed her last conversation.

Jen:

Yeah, that was the part that I yeah, that's when I pretty much lost. It was the text, so and yeah, and I still haven't got it back hours later, but it but it is. It is so worthwhile and so beautifully done that, yeah, it's just a real, a real tribute to her and a real shout out to you for for doing that, Cause I just think, yeah, it's, it's amazing. So, all right, Rebecca, I've taken a lot of your time and I really appreciate this. I'm going to ask my one question. I asked everybody just to kind of lighten things a little bit, and then I want you to tell us all the information, all the places where we should be kind of reading up more on you and following your next and not even your next your continuing adventures, because you're not you're not stopping, and you know, now I'm nobody else can see this, but I can.

Jen:

You got whatever, probably an inch of hair.

Jen:

I would say, yeah, your hair is going to go over, you're so close to, kind of the, the you know a few of the finish line, certainly not close to the total finish line and and that's you know and and for sure far away from the actual finish line that we all share. So I would absolutely. I just hats off to you. I'm interested to hear and you were talking about so much stuff earlier what is the favorite piece of gear you own that cost you less than $50?.

Rebecca Sperry:

Less than 50. Well, definitely my filter the catadine.

Jen:

Yeah, I was wondering if that was what you're going to think.

Rebecca Sperry:

Yeah, yeah, I was going to say I would have said my pack, but that was like 300.

Jen:

Yeah, well, and even just like the whole part about when you were getting your port in, you're like, okay, well, I got to bring my backpack that day because I got to make sure that my straps aren't going to rub and I was like, oh my God, who, like this woman, is like super woman here that she's even thinking about this? I would not, yeah, anyway.

Rebecca Sperry:

I just and yeah, during radiation I was like don't let this ruin my, because radiation I was more worried about, I think, than anything hiking with that Cause. I know, it can be. Really I didn't. I didn't know what was going to happen. You know not how you're going to react.

Jen:

So and did it? I love that filter. Or like was your skin? Did it impact any of that? Like, did you have to? I mean no, actually.

Rebecca Sperry:

Yeah, yeah, so the last. So I had 20 rounds and you get around a day, so it's four weeks total. The last week, so the week that I filmed, actually with Tommy, is when it finally started to get to the point where my, like my armpit so like right here where my armpit is basically, is where I started till the skin it's like blisters, kind of you know, like the skin's coming off. It wasn't terrible, though, like I mean, yeah, it didn't feel good, but it was not. I've had worse experiences like pack Hiked.

Jen:

Yeah, you probably hiked with like heat rash or a Patego or you know, poison IV or whatever. It's probably was it similar to that, I guess.

Rebecca Sperry:

Maybe I just yeah, I mean I would say it's like it's kind of like having just like a friction. Friction burn maybe a little bit, but it wasn't had way. I've had way worse experiences, just in general. Hiking, like you know, getting really bad pack rash is the worst to hate it. But yeah, I like my filter, my catadine.

Jen:

Catadine filter. And then the video itself was sponsored, right, somebody? Actually wrote that by Knoch Okay, and then go ahead.

Rebecca Sperry:

They actually provided me with trekking poles, which are really amazing trekking poles, and they have like a water bladder and stuff they gave me. So I don't use a bladder, but they gave me one just to be nice and it's a really nice bladder. And then it's a water bottle that actually you can like mush it down so it's like it'll fit in your pack or whatever, which is also really nice.

Jen:

Yeah, cool, hey, that's a lot of free gear, I think. I think I earned it, my friend, goodness gracious. So then it's Rebecca's. Sperrycom is really right, where everything kind of funnels into and you are at your ad, socked in hikes on Instagram, which is where I found you in the first place. Any other places that you like people to check out or no, that's basically it.

Rebecca Sperry:

I mean I have a link tree on my, my Instagram that has all like I write for various websites. So all the different places, I just post them on there.

Jen:

It's just there's too many to which is do, it otherwise Again, just fricking amazing. But all right, where you hiking next week is my last question, gosh you know, I don't know, I'm probably going to.

Rebecca Sperry:

I don't know, maybe I'll go and see the man at a comment man, I don't know. I need to redo that one. It will end up probably being a 21 mile day, though, but I want to redo that one, I think, and then the WAPA. I like those two. Okay, this note seems to be all gone up north too.

Jen:

Oh, that's good to know. Yeah, yeah, I guess I have one more question too. So if you, given that you've done just so many of the basically all this stuff a million times, it sounds like perfect day of hiking. If you had, you know, if you had good weather and that wasn't a factor and the driving in and out of anywhere wasn't a factor. Sounds like it might be Katahdin, but maybe you'll surprise me with something else. Or maybe, if it's not Katahdin, where would be the next place that you would go?

Rebecca Sperry:

Hmm, I love the Pema Joas at Wilderness. I love going in there and just I love this loop that's really terrible that most people would hate. It's the Shulpa. I call it the Shulpaan loop. Shulpaan is this really awful trail in the Pema Joas that that's just completely overgrown and muddy and it's a hot mess. But I just love it because you get to follow these old logging roads and sea logging camps. That's just really cool to me. I would say that or maybe I'm actually kind of really getting into the Wild River Wilderness too, which is down on the Carter area.

Jen:

Yeah, that's my jam down there with ball faces and all that, yeah it's nice. Yeah.

Rebecca Sperry:

Cool, awesome. So, like the Rainbow Trail is beautiful, I did that one last year. The Rainbow Trail it comes off the Carter Ridge. It's a wicked nice trail. So, yeah, anywhere Wilderness be.

Jen:

I love that. Well, it is funny that you're like I like the fact that you were like spending all this time below tree line, which is actually usually everybody's trying to get above tree line. I just like to be in the woods walking around. I love it.

Rebecca Sperry:

I actually have like kind of a fear of heights. So it's really kind of. It takes me a few times to get used to that whole being above tree line piece too, like when I'm up there like I have to get myself acclimated to it almost, because I don't like being up there and being on a ridge and I just feel like this isn't normal. I don't want to be up, don't feel safe. So yeah, I don't know if the knife said edge will ever happen, because that one I think I'd probably lose my mind.

Jen:

Yes, yeah, if you're not jazzed with being above tree line on just any old place, please don't do that yourself Like yeah no need.

Jen:

It would be good you have so many. There's so many other cool, amazing, beautiful places to hike and, as you've already found other ways to get up that mountain, that's not that, because if you're, I just feel like you know, if you're the kind of person's going to enjoy it I mean, it's a spectacular, spectacular hike and spectacular trails and stuff but if you're somebody who just gets skived out by that, like why would you spend whatever a third of your hiking day literally hyperventilating? That's not enjoyable, it's not fun for anybody.

Jen:

It's not fun with the people you're hiking with and it's certainly not fun for you, so don't do it, yeah, anyway, well, rekha, thank you so much. This has been such a joyful amount of time for me, despite the fact that we were talking about things that are just not very joyful or pleasant, but I really, really, thank you so much for sharing your story with everybody, and I hope that you just keep doing it, because it's so, so important. What you're doing is so important, so, thank you.

Rebecca Sperry:

Thank you. I appreciate that. It was good talking to you too. It was great to talk to you.